Lets Talk: Body Image
Confession time: I am a girl who is constantly on a diet. I have always been on the bigger side of the scale and I’m going to be honest with you, I have struggled with it. I have done stupid things to try and be ‘skinny’- and I always end up the same size. This blog post is so hard for me to write, purely because I am laying everything bare. At 24 I have come to the realization that I am who I am and if I hadn’t have gone through the things I have I wouldn’t understand the full extent of feeling insecure.
Before I go through every bit of my 24 years of existence, I am fully aware many of you will assume that this post is for pitty. Well it isn’t. If I hadn’t have felt so low, so insecure or insignificant, I wouldn’t be in the place I am right now. And trust me when I tell you- I couldn’t be happier.
I honestly don’t remember much about primary school. It wasn’t until year 6 that I began to be aware that I was overweight, at that time I didn’t really seem to care. Until one day, we were talking about health and as part of that lesson we were asked to weigh ourselves- being noticeably heavier than everyone else I became increasing aware that I was completely different to others in that classroom. Still to this day I have no idea I why I agreed to it.
As many people will remember being a teenager is difficult. Full stop. Hormones take over and you feel like you need to ‘know who you are’- when in actual fact that comes much later. My teen years were full of drama which mainly taught me how to use food to cover up my emotions. In truth I was never any good at it- I’m still not.
Over time I got bigger and bigger, with every challenge I ate more and more. When I decided to change things, I cut out everything, I ate half a slice of toast for breakfast and then up to half a plate of food at dinner(no more, I had to leave half). Along the way I tried most things to keep losing weight at the rate I was. And realistically. It didn’t work- it only made me so much more unhappier with myself.
I don’t doubt for any moment that I was the only teen with body issues. Yet, at that time I couldn’t even stand to look in to look in the mirror.
Early twenties- Uni.
At Uni, I hated the way I looked. I was so much bigger than my friends. I remember thinking that I needed to be skinnier to get somewhere, to be noticed. I had to be better. I didn’t. I was being noticed by the people that mattered. The girls I still talk to tell me how much I’ve ‘settled down’. I am now no longer striving to be something I’m not.
Each year of Uni, I lost some one dear to me. A family friend, my granddad and then my grannie. I treated all these loses different and yes mainly they all included food. So when it came to graduating, I was a very unhappy with my. And it definitely showed in the way I treated people- and that’s one of my biggest regrets.
I lost quite a lot of weight in my twenties. Not for a long period of time, but I lost it. And I thought I would never put it on again- I did and then some. I wasn’t ‘skinny’ I was a very happy size 12. I can honestly say that at this point I never thought had anybody issues.
Due to the loss of my granddad, a break up and anxiety, I have put on a lot more weight than I ever thought possible. I am no longer the happy go lucky size 12 I once was. Although now, there’s a difference- I have found out that I’m okay as I am. That’s not to say I don’t want to lose weight – I do. Throughout, all of my weight issues I have never felt so happy and contented with my life. And I am so excited for you to see the results over the next few months.
You may have noticed.
I have only used one picture on this blog, mainly due to the fact that when I look back I see much more that the way I looked. I see my dad being ill, I see losing my grandparents, I see the complete lack of self-worth. And that’s not okay. I have found that your life isn’t written for you. You’re not a pawn in everyday life. No matter where you come from, what you do OR even what you have done- you can still create a new chapter of your book. Your story isn’t over.
Why have I wrote this?
I am a big believer in ‘ you only look back, to see how far you’ve come’. And trust me when I say this to you I have come a long way from the girl who tries to please everyone and hate herself.
Everyone has demons, everyone makes mistakes , yet that doesn’t define you. You are you; you deserve the best. So start living like it. Recent events have made it so clear that we have so much to live for and not enough time to LIVE. Why let insecurities stop you. You are more than body struggles. You are YOU.
All the love.